sábado, janeiro 09, 2010

Em algum poço


Com prazo de validade vencido: assim se sentia. Com uma sensação de não-pertencimento a nada nem a ninguém. Não uma total desapropriação, mas o que mais lhe importava naquele instante havia se esfumaçado feito o número de mágica do mágico no circo mambembe. Uma mão contendo uma pomba e Zás!Trás!, a dita cuja desaparece sem deixar vestígios, nem ao menos um rastro de poeira no solo. Inconsequente e inconsciente tartamudeamos nós após o fim do que julgávamos muito mais vivo do que supunha a vã inocência ou imaturidade diante do déjà vu.

Mágica feita, platéia satisfeita e boquiaberta, resta a nostalgia do presente intocado, sem arroubos, inexistente: assim dito arrastadamente e letra por letra, como se a audição do tal verbete por si só provocasse mais angústia. E esperanças, obviamente, pois a não existência deste cavaria poço de tal profundidade que dele só se sai em casos excepcionais e análogos.

Pois só vivo intensamente o momento vivido após seu completo término, como se a lembrança fosse mais envolvente e aniquiladora do que o realmente experenciado. Pegadas na areia só me comovem após o instante em que a onda vem e os apaga. Ainda gosto mais dos resquícios, do que fartamente sobeja, da cicatriz, principalmente as da alma. Neles posso suscitar a reinvenção, as opções, alternativas e novos finalmentes.


Imaginar como teria sido se eu tivesse dito, oferecido, ouvido, tocado e fornecido em sangue, ossos, poros e lágrimas, que me dão a sensação de tempo molemente transcorrido, de relógios quase parados, do grito não pronunciado, da piscadela não concretizada.


E assim é, mais uma vez a mão vazia e essa fome às vezes insuportável, que alimento algum saciará e que será eliminada apenas com um olhar doce, uma mão quente e um cheiro bom que não existe mais aqui onde estou. E nem aonde mais eu procurar, pois já se tornou memória, a sarça já se consumiu. Me escoro nas paredes úmidas do lugar onde eu me encontro, estando eu também tão umedecido quanto tais paredes, procurando com os olhos o interruptor da luz, me esquecendo que as lâmpadas foram extraviadas ou estão apenas quebradas. Sendo assim, não há luminosidade prevista.

Apenas a saudade daquela respiração tantas vezes procurada e possivelmente jamais encontrada. Logo mais encontrarei cheiros e olhares novos, pelos quais sei que hei de procurar equivalentes nas manhãs que se arrastarão. E o ciclo mais uma vez se inicia, mais uma vez total e ensandecido, até uma nova parede sem iluminação. É necessário aprender a não ter, a não ser. De uma vez por todas.

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